by Igor Alexander

Some old-fashioned mores have a certain logic behind them, such as a long period of courtship (dating) before consummating the relationship (screwing), since it allows potential partners to get to know one another before the possibility of pregnancy comes into the picture. This makes it likelier that the marriage, should one occur, will be a happy one, and thus, that it will last.

The old proscription on male masturbation, however, doesn’t make much sense to me. I mean, what’s the harm? First of all, men, unlike women, have a real physiological need to get off on a regular basis, and if they don’t, it can result in physical discomfort (a condition known as “blue balls”). So what are men supposed to do? Run out and have sex every time the urge hits them? That’s hardly realistic.

Furthermore, I would argue that masturbation can help men make wiser decisions when it comes to choosing a mate. Just as it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping on an empty stomach, lest you pass over more nutritional choices in favor of junk food in order to satisfy your immediate hunger, it’s not a good idea to pick a mate when you’re horny, since you’ll likely gravitate towards the tastiest piece of ass without paying much attention to her character. Masturbation helps you think about a prospective mate with your big head rather than your little one.

If masturbation can prevent you from shacking up with the wrong broad and having to put yourself and your children through the pain of a divorce, then it can’t be bad (though if you’re burping the worm 20 times a day, you might want to consider finding a job or a hobby ’cause you have way too much free time on your hands).

So where does the stigma on male masturbation come from, anyways? In his book The Rantings of a Single Male, Thomas Ellis writes, “Why are women so threatened by porn? I believe it’s because women lose power when they can no longer hold men in a state of sexual deprivation.” Perhaps it’s not the porn per se, but rather, the masturbation, which women find threatening, since it reduces their sexual hold over men. Perhaps that’s why mothers from days gone by used to caution their sons, “if you don’t stop it you’ll go blind” or “you’ll grow hair on the palms of your hands.”