Category Archives: Humor

What’s With All The Lesbians?

by Weevil Shrimpsteen

Yes, we're lesbians. No, you can't watch.

Used to be you could walk a country mile and not see a lesbian. These days, you can’t sneeze without spraying a dyke.

Used to be you were able to see the mountains from downtown Portland, but now all the lesbians are blocking the view.

Was I asleep the day the whole world became a dyke bar?

I swear, you can’t turn around without bumping into a lesbian these days.

Shopping malls. Airport waiting lounges. Ski lodges. There you’ll see the lesbians, walking hand-in-hand.

There are far, far too many of them.

Portland’s soggy, mossy ground fairly trembles under the feet of so many stampeding bulldykes.

Weekend spree lezzies and the lifetime clam-gobblers.

Shopping for incense and battering each other.

Eatin’ buckets and buckets o’ pussy.

Dykin’ out.

Munchin’ carpet.

Hatin’ men.

Wearing each others’ underwear.

Checking each others’ breasts for lumps.

Drinking chamomile tea and buying organic reusable tampons.

They read books about lesbian nutrition and smear their lesbian toothbrushes with tubes of lesbian toothpaste.

They take lesbian vacations and use lesbian cell phones.

They cry lesbian tears and pass lesbian bowel movements.

They wear lesbian ponchos and decorate their lesbian apartments with lesbian dream-catchers and ancient lesbian pottery from ancient lesbian tribes.

They drive lesbian cars and shop at lesbian supermarkets.

They swallow lesbian laxatives made from lesbian grains grown on lesbian farming collectives.

They watch lesbian TV channels with lesbian sitcoms and lesbian nature specials.

They use lesbian fishing rods to haul in lesbian trout hooked to lesbian worms.

They enjoy lesbian sporting events such as lesbian rugby and lesbian cage matches.

They clasp lesbian hands together and admire lesbian skylines dotted with lesbian clouds.

They sip lesbian drinking water from lesbian cups.

Their lesbian ovens yield lesbian pot pies stuffed with lesbian chicken chunks.

The lesbian nightly news shows lesbian helicopters rescuing lesbian war victims.

Ooohh…that’s a whole lotta lesbians.


They’re everywhere.

They sprouted everywhere like a sudden case of the hives.

Portland is the Lesbian San Francisco, no doubt. At this juncture, I’d reckon that dykes outnumber fags in P-Town by ten to one.

It’s like the Hundredth Monkey. We’ve reached critical mass. We’ve reached the Hundredth Lesbian.

Can we, as a country, all agree to tone down the lesbianism just a little bit? We’ve reached our lesbian quota, I’m sure. I think we already have enough lesbians, and any more would be overkill.


At a lesbian coffeehouse near 28th and E. Burnside, a lesbian magazine talks about high colonics and nutritional empowerment and bedwetting support groups and candle-making seminars and dry lesbian oatmeal scones. You know — lesbian stuff.

Nearby, a group (officially, it’s called a “bevy”) of four lesbians huddles together near a bus stop in the cold, rainy, patriarchal mist. Three chunker dogs and one cornstalk girl. They bear all the visual trappings of latter-day alterna-lesbos: short, sloppy “bed-head” haircuts dyed platinum blonde or flaming pink, facial piercings, dirty sneakers, and tribally tattooed bellies and ass cracks exposed.

When I heard the phrase “lesbian identity” float from one of their mouths into the air, I decided to seize it.

I boldly approach the bevy of lesbians.

“What’s with all the lesbians? I mean, you guys are everywhere! What’s going on with that?”

The lesbian seems shocked by my apparent bigotry. “I don’t like putting labels on myself,” says the lesbian closest to me with a look of animal wariness.

“But you just used the phrase ‘lesbian identity’!” I say. “Isn’t that a label?”

The lesbians seem flabbergasted by my rudeness.

“What you’re doing is very uncool,” says the four’s spokesperson.

A bus pulls up and the lesbians embark upon it. They say nothing to me as they leave. I asked an actual group of lesbians what was with all the lesbians, and they wouldn’t tell me. They didn’t want me to know. Or perhaps they don’t know, either.


Twenty years ago in a suburban Philly garage, an all-girl punk-rock band pounds out snotty covers of Ramones and Blondie songs. Emily and Vicki are pretty bottle-blondes who play guitar and bass, respectively. Their drummer, Becky, is a lesbian. Becky wears a spiky brown mullet and is always trying to get in Emily and Vicki’s pants. But these girls are natural-born heterosexuals and are repulsed by Becky’s advances. We all have a cruel, jolly laugh at Becky’s expense regarding her compulsive sexual perversion. Men did not find Becky attractive, so she became what’s known as a lesbian-by-necessity. Rumor spreads that Becky is that rarest of creatures — a girl who is sexually attracted to other girls.

Twenty years later, all the girls are like Becky. Rare is the girl who hasn’t licked another girl’s snapper.

Twenty years ago, male homosexuals were all over pop culture, while lesbians were the Silent Homos.

Flamboyant butt-jockeys such as the Village People, Boy George, and Disco Tex were shaking their hairy tushies all over the place, but rare was the mainstream lesbo.

But amid AIDS wreckage and a general cultural devaluation of maleness, the gay male has been buried like an anal gopher. You don’t even see male fags anymore. Well, maybe once in a blue moon. A blue, faggy moon.

Except for the not-having-vaginas-and-breasts part, male fags were able to capture everything that made being a woman interesting. They possessed all the skittish drama which is one of the few redeeming qualities of being a female.

That has all been replaced by the dry moralism of cardboard dykes, who hate everything that’s male but are as boring as the most boring males.

Back in those fag-friendly days, lesbianism seemed ugly — womanhood stripped of everything that made womanhood attractive or alluring.

Chick-on-chick pussy-eating was the sole reserve of women who looked like men who couldn’t get women. It was a lesbianism of the lonely hearts’ club and the nuns’ convent. A lesbianism of ugly, boyish women whose vaginas were not deemed desirable enough in which to spill seed.

SO WHAT CHANGED? It was quite simple, really.

It followed roughly this pattern:

1) Women said they wanted sensitive men.
2) Men became sensitive.
3) Women turned lesbian.

When the men turned into women, the women turned to other women. That’s the history of Lesbianism’s New Wave in a tiny lesbian nutshell.

But it isn’t entirely the ladies’ fault. Not entirely. The fact that the American male is terrifyingly inept in the ol’ sack played a part as well. American men have no finesse. No game. They’re dumb, drooling, easily excitable hairy apemen who’d turn me into a dyke if I were a chick.

Dykes are made, not born. A woman’s physiology is constructed to enjoy a thorough ramming by a hard, warm, REAL tool rather than a cold rubber instrument or a girl’s wet tongue.

When men become men again, lesbianism will evaporate like so many wet spots in the morning sun.

I think that Dyke Chic will peter out, and a lot of women are going to be embarrassed. They’ll have a lot of explaining to do to their grandchildren.

I’ve made it a policy not to be with any more chicks who’ve had lesbian experiences.

C’mon, fellas, let’s wield the powerful force of SHAME. Let’s make them feel ashamed about being lezzies. Let them feel as if there’s something lacking in their reproductive desirability. Let them feel as if their DNA is misfiring. Treat them like freaks of nature. Evolutionary mistakes. Act like the daddy you were born to be and scold your little girl. The day will come when they wish they’d kept their panties on and their tongues in their mouths.


How do we punish the lesbians in a way that seems equitable? And how do we prevent future such lesbianism from occurring? How do we get rid of the lesbians once and for all? How do we dispose of the lesbians in a safe, legal manner? How do we stop it? How do we stop it NOW?

Take pity on the eternal, boring, self-righteous, easily bruised, stridently annoying, lesbian crusader, snuggling in the fetal position with her sisters, far from the evil, brutal clutches of menfolk, free from the heartache that MEN bring, with their hairy backs and repellent hanging genitals.

I don’t mind the pussy aspect of it. Pussy’s great. Yay, pussy! It’s not the vagina, it’s everything surrounding it. The holiness that surrounds their holes.

There’s an insincerity about all the new fashion lesbians. They act as if they’re blazing new trails, yet they’re merely little girls at a pajama party playing “Doctor” twenty years too late.

Lesbianism is merely another way for women to act like cunts.

Another way to be annoying.

They’ve found a way to be even more annoying than heterosexual women.

I don’t want to hear how your father abused you. I don’t want to hear what you did with other girls. I want to hear what you can do for me right here, right now, on your knees with your mouth open.

[Originally published in Jim Goad‘s Gigantic Book of Sex, available from better bookstores near you.]

Germans Now Denying the Holocaust Telepathically, Say Jews

by Mike James in Germany

Telepathic hate speech

BERLIN (IFPN) — Germany’s Central Council of Jews (ZJD) has demanded “immediate government action” in response to unsettling findings published in its quarterly social trends report, ‘Virulent Anti-Semitism in Germany Today, Issue 1, 2008’.

The report highlights a worrying increase in anti-Semitic sentiment and, more sensationally, the dissemination of holocaust denial “by means of telepathy”.

“It’s very frightening and something I cannot ignore given my horrific ordeal in Auschwitz, which I miraculously survived by hiding in a chimney until the camp was liberated,” says the ZJD’s president, Charlotte Knobloch, who is currently suing Google for editorial control of YouTube.

“Our own success in determining what constitutes suitable viewing for Internet users in Germany has forced us to imagine alternative scenarios available to young people who don’t trust what the government or their teachers are telling them.”

“Never underestimate the power of the Jewish imagination,” she adds.

In Germany, anyone who expresses anti-Semitic sentiments or who queries the holocaust by pointing to pre-war and post-war Jewish population statistics or anomalies in the historical record faces prison sentences of up to five years.

The law, however, is unclear on the issue of telepathically communicated anti-Semitism and holocaust denial.


“We know they’re doing it,” says Stephan Kramer, General Secretary of the ZJD. “They are evading punishment by spreading anti-Semitic propaganda and denying the holocaust without writing a word or moving their lips.”

Although Kramer has dispatched an unspecified number of undercover Hassidic telepaths and kosher ‘sensitives’ briefed with the task of intercepting telepathic communications in streets, bars, clubs, restaurants, cafes, subways, shops, schools, workplaces and other venues where people may choose to express a personal opinion without being overheard by informers, he admits that telepathically communicated holocaust denial is hard to prove.

“But only empirically,” he explains. “Proof is an obsession of those unable to conceive of the truth. In the wrong hands, proof, or a lack of proof, can be misused to establish certain facts incompatible with the truth. Not all facts are factual. What do you want? Another holocaust?”

The German government, anxious to reassure the Jewish community, has moved swiftly to calm fears by allocating six million euros in research grants to the ZJD’s hospitality and personal leisure expenses budget.

“We are doing everything we can to eradicate the scourge of anti-Semitism in Germany and the European Union,” a government spokesman told IFPN. “The government takes very seriously reports that certain extremist elements in our society are engaged in telepathic holocaust denial and we are monitoring the situation closely.”


But official assurances came too late for Israeli tourists Shmuel Linsky and his wife, Diane.

“Just the other day I saw a very relaxed German couple with their children spending our reparations money on ice-cream and hot dogs,” says Shmuel scornfully. “They were deliberately and maliciously acting in a way that suggested they were proud to be German, without any sense of shame or guilt. I suddenly felt very threatened by this kind of unspoken anti-Semitism and was overwhelmed by the urge to radio an Israeli F-16 fighter bomber.”

Diane Linsky nods her head in pained agreement. They had decided on an impromptu vacation in Germany after watching Angela Merkel on television deliver an impassioned speech to Israel’s parliament, the Knesset.

“Mrs Merkel said that Germans would do everything they could to help Israel and protect the Jewish people from anti-Semitism,” she says, her voice cracking. “But when we got here we found we had to pay for our own hotel accommodation and none of the restaurants will let us eat for free, even though we’re Jews and have a long and unique history of suffering.”

Shmuel too is overcome by emotion, hardly able to speak. “It’s been humiliating. Even the waiters expect a tip, reminding me of my horrific ordeal in Auschwitz, which I miraculously survived by hiding in a chimney until the camp was liberated,” the 36-year-old Mr Linsky adds bitterly.

The Linskys say they had been made to feel “persecuted” and intend to file a claim for compensation. “In fact, we sued before we came out here,” says Diane. “Our lawyer in Tel Aviv was offering special terms and a 30 percent discount.”


Critics however have blasted the report as “hysterical”, “irresponsible” and “paranoid”.

“Given the long history of hereditary mental illness among people of Jewish descent, I would be inclined to treat reports of telepathically communicated anti-Semitism and holocaust denial with extreme caution,” one of them, a leading professor of evolutionary psychiatry, told IFPN anonymously.

“The Jews have a propensity for telling tall stories and a tendency to exaggerate things they hear, or think they hear. Before taking this much further, the German government would be well-advised to read the wealth of medical literature made available over the past 200 years by Jewish physicians themselves, much of which focuses on the very high percentage of dangerous psychotic illnesses and psychopathological disorders found among Ashkenazi Jews. A good starting point would be the Disability Studies Quarterly, Volume 27, No. 4, published in 2007.”

“Even their top religious people admit they’re nuts. Rabbis Eric Weiss and Nathaniel Ezray have said that ‘mental illness is a Jewish issue’ and point to the findings of geneticists at John Hopkins University who have identified lamentably high incidences of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder among Ashkenazi Jews. Many suffer from an autosomal recessive trait that goes back thousands of years and which manifests as congenital lying, delusional behaviour and paranoia.”

“Unfortunately, instead of being treated in high-security psychiatric hospitals, many of these mentally ill, psychopathic Jews seem to thrive in positions of leadership, spanning the worlds of international finance, the media, academia, law and politics, not only in Europe and Israel, of course, but also in North America and elsewhere.”

“We need to ask ourselves why they’ve been expelled from 109 locations around the world since the middle of the third century, and why we’re allowing them to repeat the cycle over and over again, harming not only themselves but everyone else.”

“I know it’s not a very politically correct thing to articulate,” the professor concludes, “but when it comes to Jews and some of the ludicrous things they say, I’m afraid we’re dealing with some very sick puppies.”

Charlotte Knobloch strongly disagrees. Jews have never harmed anyone, she says.

“The fact that the Jewish people have been expelled from 109 locations around the world doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the Jewish people or that they are in any way disruptive or insane,” she insists. “On the contrary, all of those countries, for no real identifiable reason, experienced periods of anti-Semitic mass insanity, which spontaneously disappeared the moment we were gone.”


Meanwhile, as news breaks that at least a hundred stone-throwing Palestinian children have been either killed or maimed by vigilant Israeli F-16 fighter pilots, the Linskys arrive back in Tel Aviv to an emotional family reception.

Shmuel’s great uncle, Rabbi Dov Bronstein, hugs his relative and can hardly contain his tears: “Even though I was born and raised in New Jersey and never set foot in Europe, I will never forget my horrific ordeal in Auschwitz, which I miraculously survived by hiding in a chimney until the camp was liberated.”

“It’s so good to be home,” says a visibly relieved Diane Linsky. “We flew Lufthansa and we just knew the German pilots and air hostesses were telepathically denying the holocaust and sharing anti-Semitic thoughts with some of the European passengers …. and they were saying, like, you know, ‘Let’s dump those lying Jews out over the Mediterranean’.”

Lufthansa has promised to investigate the allegations.

Michael James, an Englishman, is a former freelance journalist resident in Germany since 1992 with additional long-haul stays in East Africa, Poland and Switzerland.


Jewish group seeks to purge YouTube of anti-Semitic videos,1518,542842,00.html

Disability Studies Quarterly: Mental Hygiene and Disability in the Zionist Project

Mental Illness is a Jewish Issue, by Rabbis Eric Weiss and Nathaniel Ezray

Jewish Expulsions Since AD250


(Originally published 27 March 2008.)