Thoughts on masturbation

by Igor Alexander

Some old-fashioned mores have a certain logic behind them, such as a long period of courtship (dating) before consummating the relationship (screwing), since it allows potential partners to get to know one another before the possibility of pregnancy comes into the picture. This makes it likelier that the marriage, should one occur, will be a happy one, and thus, that it will last.

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The old proscription on male masturbation, however, doesn’t make much sense to me. I mean, what’s the harm? First of all, men, unlike women, have a real physiological need to get off on a regular basis, and if they don’t, it can result in physical discomfort (a condition known as “blue balls”). So what are men supposed to do? Run out and have sex every time the urge hits them? That’s hardly realistic.

Furthermore, I would argue that masturbation can help men make wiser decisions when it comes to choosing a mate. Just as it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping on an empty stomach, lest you pass over more nutritional choices in favor of junk food in order to satisfy your immediate hunger, it’s not a good idea to pick a mate when you’re horny, since you’ll likely gravitate towards the tastiest piece of ass without paying much attention to her character. Masturbation helps you think about a prospective mate with your big head rather than your little one.

If masturbation can prevent you from shacking up with the wrong broad and having to put yourself and your children through the pain of a divorce, then it can’t be bad (though if you’re burping the worm 20 times a day, you might want to consider finding a job or a hobby ’cause you have way too much free time on your hands).

So where does the stigma on male masturbation come from, anyways? In his book The Rantings of a Single Male, Thomas Ellis writes, “Why are women so threatened by porn? I believe it’s because women lose power when they can no longer hold men in a state of sexual deprivation.” Perhaps it’s not the porn per se, but rather, the masturbation, which women find threatening, since it reduces their sexual hold over men. Perhaps that’s why mothers from days gone by used to caution their sons, “if you don’t stop it you’ll go blind” or “you’ll grow hair on the palms of your hands.”

2 responses

  1. not masturbating gives you extra spiritual power.

  2. Yes, but I think you’re quite wrong about male homosexuality — which is, in fact, a war against Ishtar (the goddess of [heterosexual] love and war at least from -2700 BCE). Homophilia is an historic culture at least 4800 years old, has a distinct history in spite of homophobia, is not written by homophobic history, and has given us philosophy and science (both ancient and modern) with heterosexual males hustling to emulate. To make sweeping denunciations of it only underlines homophobia (which has been virtually useless to mankind, however valuable to womankind). Yes, homophilia demonstrates some mistakes, but homosexuals’ contributions to culture (east and west) are astounding, and amongst the only disclaimers of femme-dom there are. Homophobic men have shot themselves in the feet for millennia denouncing homosexuals; gay men were their only true admirers; they were friends, not enemies, and straight men betrayed them . You don’t think women think you’re beautiful, do you? You’re a chequebook, you’re a free ride, you’re an accessory, you’re a bodyguard, you are (as Farrell so neatly puts it) of the disposable sex. Gay men were wise enough to join with the lesbo-feminist contingent in a coalition to gain their freedom from straight-male homophobia which straight men, foolishly, imposed for 2500 years — and straight men deserve every bit of belittlement and humiliation they’ve earned in return for what? Nooky. And that’s a gayer view of the battlefield than your view of it. In short, straight men have lost this war. Women, especially lesbo-feminists, are cheering! Gay men, frankly, are indifferent. And what can you do to help clean up the battlefield? Some inevitable suggestions: get rid of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam — then start giving credit to gay men for what they have contributed to civilization that straight men have, like Canaan, stolen and claimed, admit the thefts — then they go up country, catch some fish, and come back with venison on the hood — oh, and gut it in the field. Gay sympathy for their objets d’affection is gone. As you might say, they’ve discovered auto-fellation. They don’t need you anymore. You’re close, but not on target — and, sorry, but this is an all-out battle. Those left living win; the memorialized lose. The gay/straight war is a battle to the death.

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