What’s With All The Lesbians?

by Weevil Shrimpsteen

Yes, we're lesbians. No, you can't watch.

Used to be you could walk a country mile and not see a lesbian. These days, you can’t sneeze without spraying a dyke.

Used to be you were able to see the mountains from downtown Portland, but now all the lesbians are blocking the view.

Was I asleep the day the whole world became a dyke bar?

I swear, you can’t turn around without bumping into a lesbian these days.

Shopping malls. Airport waiting lounges. Ski lodges. There you’ll see the lesbians, walking hand-in-hand.

There are far, far too many of them.

Portland’s soggy, mossy ground fairly trembles under the feet of so many stampeding bulldykes.

Weekend spree lezzies and the lifetime clam-gobblers.

Shopping for incense and battering each other.

Eatin’ buckets and buckets o’ pussy.

Dykin’ out.

Munchin’ carpet.

Hatin’ men.

Wearing each others’ underwear.

Checking each others’ breasts for lumps.

Drinking chamomile tea and buying organic reusable tampons.

They read books about lesbian nutrition and smear their lesbian toothbrushes with tubes of lesbian toothpaste.

They take lesbian vacations and use lesbian cell phones.

They cry lesbian tears and pass lesbian bowel movements.

They wear lesbian ponchos and decorate their lesbian apartments with lesbian dream-catchers and ancient lesbian pottery from ancient lesbian tribes.

They drive lesbian cars and shop at lesbian supermarkets.

They swallow lesbian laxatives made from lesbian grains grown on lesbian farming collectives.

They watch lesbian TV channels with lesbian sitcoms and lesbian nature specials.

They use lesbian fishing rods to haul in lesbian trout hooked to lesbian worms.

They enjoy lesbian sporting events such as lesbian rugby and lesbian cage matches.

They clasp lesbian hands together and admire lesbian skylines dotted with lesbian clouds.

They sip lesbian drinking water from lesbian cups.

Their lesbian ovens yield lesbian pot pies stuffed with lesbian chicken chunks.

The lesbian nightly news shows lesbian helicopters rescuing lesbian war victims.

Ooohh…that’s a whole lotta lesbians.

WHAT’S WITH ALL THE LESBIANS?

They’re everywhere.

They sprouted everywhere like a sudden case of the hives.

Portland is the Lesbian San Francisco, no doubt. At this juncture, I’d reckon that dykes outnumber fags in P-Town by ten to one.

It’s like the Hundredth Monkey. We’ve reached critical mass. We’ve reached the Hundredth Lesbian.

Can we, as a country, all agree to tone down the lesbianism just a little bit? We’ve reached our lesbian quota, I’m sure. I think we already have enough lesbians, and any more would be overkill.

***

At a lesbian coffeehouse near 28th and E. Burnside, a lesbian magazine talks about high colonics and nutritional empowerment and bedwetting support groups and candle-making seminars and dry lesbian oatmeal scones. You know — lesbian stuff.

Nearby, a group (officially, it’s called a “bevy”) of four lesbians huddles together near a bus stop in the cold, rainy, patriarchal mist. Three chunker dogs and one cornstalk girl. They bear all the visual trappings of latter-day alterna-lesbos: short, sloppy “bed-head” haircuts dyed platinum blonde or flaming pink, facial piercings, dirty sneakers, and tribally tattooed bellies and ass cracks exposed.

When I heard the phrase “lesbian identity” float from one of their mouths into the air, I decided to seize it.

I boldly approach the bevy of lesbians.

“What’s with all the lesbians? I mean, you guys are everywhere! What’s going on with that?”

The lesbian seems shocked by my apparent bigotry. “I don’t like putting labels on myself,” says the lesbian closest to me with a look of animal wariness.

“But you just used the phrase ‘lesbian identity’!” I say. “Isn’t that a label?”

The lesbians seem flabbergasted by my rudeness.

“What you’re doing is very uncool,” says the four’s spokesperson.

A bus pulls up and the lesbians embark upon it. They say nothing to me as they leave. I asked an actual group of lesbians what was with all the lesbians, and they wouldn’t tell me. They didn’t want me to know. Or perhaps they don’t know, either.

***

Twenty years ago in a suburban Philly garage, an all-girl punk-rock band pounds out snotty covers of Ramones and Blondie songs. Emily and Vicki are pretty bottle-blondes who play guitar and bass, respectively. Their drummer, Becky, is a lesbian. Becky wears a spiky brown mullet and is always trying to get in Emily and Vicki’s pants. But these girls are natural-born heterosexuals and are repulsed by Becky’s advances. We all have a cruel, jolly laugh at Becky’s expense regarding her compulsive sexual perversion. Men did not find Becky attractive, so she became what’s known as a lesbian-by-necessity. Rumor spreads that Becky is that rarest of creatures — a girl who is sexually attracted to other girls.

Twenty years later, all the girls are like Becky. Rare is the girl who hasn’t licked another girl’s snapper.

Twenty years ago, male homosexuals were all over pop culture, while lesbians were the Silent Homos.

Flamboyant butt-jockeys such as the Village People, Boy George, and Disco Tex were shaking their hairy tushies all over the place, but rare was the mainstream lesbo.

But amid AIDS wreckage and a general cultural devaluation of maleness, the gay male has been buried like an anal gopher. You don’t even see male fags anymore. Well, maybe once in a blue moon. A blue, faggy moon.

Except for the not-having-vaginas-and-breasts part, male fags were able to capture everything that made being a woman interesting. They possessed all the skittish drama which is one of the few redeeming qualities of being a female.

That has all been replaced by the dry moralism of cardboard dykes, who hate everything that’s male but are as boring as the most boring males.

Back in those fag-friendly days, lesbianism seemed ugly — womanhood stripped of everything that made womanhood attractive or alluring.

Chick-on-chick pussy-eating was the sole reserve of women who looked like men who couldn’t get women. It was a lesbianism of the lonely hearts’ club and the nuns’ convent. A lesbianism of ugly, boyish women whose vaginas were not deemed desirable enough in which to spill seed.

SO WHAT CHANGED? It was quite simple, really.

It followed roughly this pattern:

1) Women said they wanted sensitive men.
2) Men became sensitive.
3) Women turned lesbian.

When the men turned into women, the women turned to other women. That’s the history of Lesbianism’s New Wave in a tiny lesbian nutshell.

But it isn’t entirely the ladies’ fault. Not entirely. The fact that the American male is terrifyingly inept in the ol’ sack played a part as well. American men have no finesse. No game. They’re dumb, drooling, easily excitable hairy apemen who’d turn me into a dyke if I were a chick.

Dykes are made, not born. A woman’s physiology is constructed to enjoy a thorough ramming by a hard, warm, REAL tool rather than a cold rubber instrument or a girl’s wet tongue.

When men become men again, lesbianism will evaporate like so many wet spots in the morning sun.

I think that Dyke Chic will peter out, and a lot of women are going to be embarrassed. They’ll have a lot of explaining to do to their grandchildren.

I’ve made it a policy not to be with any more chicks who’ve had lesbian experiences.

C’mon, fellas, let’s wield the powerful force of SHAME. Let’s make them feel ashamed about being lezzies. Let them feel as if there’s something lacking in their reproductive desirability. Let them feel as if their DNA is misfiring. Treat them like freaks of nature. Evolutionary mistakes. Act like the daddy you were born to be and scold your little girl. The day will come when they wish they’d kept their panties on and their tongues in their mouths.

***

How do we punish the lesbians in a way that seems equitable? And how do we prevent future such lesbianism from occurring? How do we get rid of the lesbians once and for all? How do we dispose of the lesbians in a safe, legal manner? How do we stop it? How do we stop it NOW?

Take pity on the eternal, boring, self-righteous, easily bruised, stridently annoying, lesbian crusader, snuggling in the fetal position with her sisters, far from the evil, brutal clutches of menfolk, free from the heartache that MEN bring, with their hairy backs and repellent hanging genitals.

I don’t mind the pussy aspect of it. Pussy’s great. Yay, pussy! It’s not the vagina, it’s everything surrounding it. The holiness that surrounds their holes.

There’s an insincerity about all the new fashion lesbians. They act as if they’re blazing new trails, yet they’re merely little girls at a pajama party playing “Doctor” twenty years too late.

Lesbianism is merely another way for women to act like cunts.

Another way to be annoying.

They’ve found a way to be even more annoying than heterosexual women.

I don’t want to hear how your father abused you. I don’t want to hear what you did with other girls. I want to hear what you can do for me right here, right now, on your knees with your mouth open.

[Originally published in Jim Goad's Gigantic Book of Sex, available from better bookstores near you.]

22 responses

  1. It’s a popular trend that they want to be a part of so that they can feel cool. Most ‘lesbians’ aren’t really lesbians. They’re just curious, and then give up on that trend, being left with a remainder of a lifetime filled with shame and guilt. They know what they’re doing is wrong, they just won’t tell you that at the time.

  2. I agree. Most of the women calling themselves lesbians these days are passing through a phase. The remainder are too ugly or unpleasant to attract men. Good riddance.

    Where I live, you sometimes see young “lesbian” couples walking around, doing everything they can to attract men’s attention, then as soon as a man looks at them, they react as though they’d been violated. Hence the graphic “Yes we’re lesbians, no you can’t watch.” The author hits the nail on the head when he says, “Lesbianism is merely another way for women to act like cunts.”

    I wrote an article about lesbianism a couple of weeks ago which I’ll be posting to this blog shortly. Lesbians and feminists have been getting on my nerves lately.

    1. I actually came out after a lifetime of struggling and every male friend I have is in love with me. I’d be married by now. Educate yourself you old bag if you have a vagina ill kick it

      1. “I actually came out after a lifetime of struggling and every male friend I have is in love with me.”

        I bet you like having your male “friends” wrapped around your finger, don’t you? Even though you claim to have no interest in men.

  3. [...] do not believe that a lesbian can experience “love” towards a woman in the same way that a heterosexual experiences [...]

  4. [...] see What’s With All The Lesbians?) This entry was written by Igor Alexander, posted on March 16, 2009 at 7:10 am, filed under [...]

  5. I’m queer. It seems you’re obsessed with us “lesbians” and angered by our existence. That’s okay. I don’t need your approval. And I certainly don’t want to read your insistence that it’s a phase or that I’m too ugly to be gay. I don’t want dick. I don’t want yours, your friend’s, or any man’s. I get more pussy than you, deal with it.

    1. “I don’t need your approval.”

      It’s a good thing you don’t, because you have zero chance of getting it.

      “And I certainly don’t want to read your insistence…”

      Who’s making you? Go read another blog if you don’t want to read mine.

      “..that it’s a phase”

      Like it or not, it’s a fact that many women are dabbling in lesbianism because it happens to be fashionable at the moment. Females are nothing if not conformist. Of the tiny minority of women who become full-blown dykes, exceedingly few will commit to that lifestyle for a lifetime. In the celebrity world, Anne Heche and Sinhead O’Connor come to mind; they “came out” to great fanfare, only to end up with men a few years later. What else can that be called if not a phase? Even in Sappho’s time, Sappho’s lovers would end up marrying men.

      Use your fingers, use your fist, use all the prosthetic devices you want; at the end of the day, most women won’t settle for anything less than the real thing, and lesbo sex is, at best, an appetizer. Cock — accept no imitations!

      “or that I’m too ugly to be gay.”

      Too ugly to be straight, dear; you’re too ugly to be straight.

      “I don’t want dick.”

      Sure. That’s what they all say.

  6. The only girl who really, really understands you~ | Reply

    I have been waiting my whole life for a man like you to come along, a man like you who will put me in my place and heap on me all the abuse I deserve for being born with my testicles inside my abdomen.

    Please can I suck your dick? I mean, please can I ? And then cook your dinner and scrub your toilet and wash your shit stained skivvies? Please? can I go to bed lonely while you stay up jacking you dick to teenage porn? Please?

    You obsession with women, nay, your loathing of them, has me rushing to my vibrator right now to pretend it is you fucking me while you say all of these things to me at the same time.

    God! The deeply stereotypical way you despise women is the love I have waited for my entire life! Baby, you say the words every sub-human longs to hear from a real man, and never does.

    Hnnnggg…I ache for you! How can I ensure that my own 12 year old son grows to become the man you are? Abuse? Neglect? Should I cease to love and cherish him now? Maybe if I wreck his self esteem…or..wait! How about if I move an semi-literate heterosexual white male gentile alcoholic woman beater into my home as a good example of the love you’ve shown here?

    Oh, your own mother must be so proud of the son’s she’s raised and sent into the world. I shed a tear of empathy for her and good mothers like her that have produced sons such as you; the man she married and provided as a father must have been some example for you to live up to. Be sure to write him in prison and let him know the internet says “Good job, Pop!”

    1. Accusations of hatred sound hollow coming from a feminist.

  7. Oh, wow! I can’t imagine how you can live your life filled with so much hatred for absolute strangers. I am sorry you feel so torn apart by this, but your reaction is pretty disturbing. No person of any orientation or gender should have to face this much loathing for simply existing.

    If you still have questions, I can try to give you some answers. I’m just a young women, and I don’t want to be verbally attacked for trying to find love. Despite that, I’d like to be brave and address the concerns you have.

  8. They’re dumb, drooling, easily excitable hairy apemen who’d turn me into a dyke if I were a chick.

    From the mouths of babes.

  9. Telling The Truth | Reply

    so many gay women nowadays, and this is a very good reason why many of us straight guys can’t meet a decent woman anymore. why would we ever blame ourselves?, and even the straight women today have become so very nasty to talk too. i wonder if they are gay too?

  10. It’s the homosexual agenda at work man. It’s EVIL. The fact there are so many lesbians nowadays proves (1) homosexuality is indeed a lifestyle choice, & (2) manipulative lesbos are trying to convert straight women (saying stuff like “women are better lovers”, “men are pigs”, etc…just awful hurtful stereotypes of us). Homosexuals can’t reproduce, this is why they recruit. I also expect the amount of rape cases involved with women are now going to be much worse now that ordinary women will have to worry about WOMEN raping them. It’s disgusting.

    Thankfully there’s hope: I have found many of these so-called lesbos can’t stand a REAL man. By “REAL man” I mean a man who isn’t a asshole to his girlfriend, a man who treats him woman like a queen, a man who is strong-minded, a man who thinks for himself, a family man, a man who knows his wife is loyal, & a man who has a good job to support his family. Bottom line: Lesbians HATE gentlemen the most because they don’t fit their stereotypical ideas of what men behave like, & they are lost for words when a real one comes along. Gentlemen treat women even better than the lesbians, & the lesbians KNOW this! I’ve even heard lesbians are MORE abusive than men! Gentlemen are also stronger & smarter than them & they DESPISE them for it! They also HATE gentlemen who are Christian too. A good strong moral compass is all you need to take down the lesbian-nazis.

    1. Telling The Truth | Reply

      you are so right, and it is very hard to approach a woman to talk too these days since they will curse at us and walk away.

  11. well with much more gay women that are making out on the dance floor lately, it really makes me wonder how many gay women that we have out there today. they just should go to their own clubs to hang out, especially when there are many of us straight guys looking to meet a good woman today. gee wiz, did i say a good woman today? well where in the world are they now?

  12. Even at my job big fat bulldyke here, black dyke there- They used to hire women in offices now the dykes have run amok. I go to the mall. A man, dressed decent, feeling good cant meet a girl and I stumble upon a woman neeting a stud on what looked like a blind date. fat guys get no love- big fat girl DRESSED LIKE A GUY- gets hot chicks???

  13. I do cocaine.

  14. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. I am lesbian and was born lesbian. I have been lesbian ever since I can remember. More people are lesbians today because society is becoming more accepting of it and women are no longer as afraid of jerks who talk crap about a woman’s sexuality and make it seem like it is a choice. Of course, there are people out there still but the world is a much more welcoming place for lesbians, there are many more out there than we think, homosexuality is completely natural. I do think many woman today experiment and may not actually be fully lesbian but that does not give anyone the right other than the woman herself to conclude anything about her sexuality. Homophobic men are very insecure about lesbians for obvious reasons, they feel threatened and that’s a silly reason to hate on people.

  15. You sound insane.

    But I think your problem is you need pussy.

    Too bad it’s ours. And we can get some before and long after you ever will.

    That is precisely why you hate us :)

    PS: come out.

  16. Most women can be considered bisexual as our sexuality is more fluid. I think lesbianism is an adaptive trait; it’s there as an alternative for women who aren’t attracted to a relationship with men for various reasons. It is believed that women are more prone to being bisexual because of our roles in raising children; if the male is not there to help raise the offspring, the mother can resort to lesbianism and have a female partner to help her raise her offspring. Your view that lesbians are ugly is typical of the new breed of homophobe-misogynists. Are you trying to tell us that you believe that only ugly women are at risk of being molested? because according to statistics, lesbians are more likely to have been sexually molested as girls. But, it’s all a feminist conspiracy to you isn’t it? Not that my personal experience matters to you, but I have seen my fair share of decent-looking lesbians, and so have you probably. As for bisexual women, I’ve seen plenty of good-looking ones.

    Please, don’t let your bias interfere with the facts. And don’t think that you are unique either; that you are here to fight against the ‘cultural Marxist’, politically correct, liberal culture that currently dominates. You are just the same as these mindless sheep, blindly following society’s wills in that instead you follow without question your instincts that tell you to be wary and suspicious of ‘The Other’. You are a prejudiced asshole that turns into a frightened little boy whenever you are exposed to anything outside the realm of ‘normal’, heterosexual behavior. Get out of your comfort zone every once in a while. You’re like an agoraphobic.

    For your own sake, and for the relief of everyone around you, shut the fuck up. There is nothing more irritating than a raging Neanderthal discussing a topic they don’t know anything about for the sake of spreading irrational, mindless hate.

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